Vertigo

Science is wonderful. A great many things can be done with science. Science is why I’m able to function, but unfortunately, science can have some side effects too.

Years ago, I began taking Lexapro to treat my often debilitating anxiety. Combined with a loving support structure, therapy, and this scientific miracle that aids the chemicals in my brain, I started to even out. But, I also quickly realized there was a snake hiding in the shadows: immediate withdrawal.

I take Lexapro at the same time, every night. 10 pm: That’s when my reminder alerts go off. But if I get distracted, if I forget, my body will quickly remind me with aggressive bouts of vertigo not even 12 hours later.

As I sit here writing, I am experiencing this unwanted dizziness. I can’t move my head too quickly, or the room will spin. The screen blurs, I lose sense of where my hands are on the keyboard, a strange “woosh” sound floods my ears, and a kind of shock is sent up from my stomach to my brain.

It’s a chemically induced vertigo.

The thing that is meant to save me also harms me.

At times like this, when I am experiencing nausea and the spins, a choice is presented to me:

Do I want the ability to function? Do I want the ability to handle stresses like a normal person? Or do I want to stop the vertigo and return to being an emotional mess, unable to process my thoughts and feelings logically?

Which is the lesser of two evils?

I chose vertigo.